


Still Standing

by Audrey_Lynne



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghosts, Force-Sensitive Leia Organa, Healing, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, Leia Organa Deserves Better, Other, Parents Han and Leia, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Recovery, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, Stillbirth, Tags May Change, Team as Family, The Force, Twins
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-23
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2019-03-08 10:49:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13456656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Audrey_Lynne/pseuds/Audrey_Lynne
Summary: Leia Organa-Solo has been through a lot, lost a lot.  And even though she's got good people at her side, the past still hurts.  As she's recovering from her most recent ordeal, her team is there for her, but the deepest wound is her broken heart.Or, Leia's been running herself ragged after the events of The Last Jedi.  She collapses, it brings up a lot of memories, and that's when the real healing begins.





	1. Not Today (Prelude)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, all! Hopefully I'll be updating quickly, because this story has been occupying most of my free moments for awhile now. I'm so excited to get it launched, though, that I was having trouble keeping it to myself. Sharing is caring? Anyway, welcome to my angst-fest (guest-starring fluffy moments, because I'm a sucker for those). Relevant tags may be added as the story continues. I only put the ones that I know might be triggering in there in advance, because I'd hate for anyone sensitive to it to get caught off-guard by that later.

* * *

 

Pain.  That was all she knew.

At the moment, it was due to her physical condition, but if Leia was entirely honest, sometimes it felt like pain kept finding her throughout her life.  She had to be the symbol of hope for her people – and, frankly, if she hadn’t found a way to hold on to her own hope, she’d have succumbed to despair a long time ago.

Leia thought she felt a hand on hers.  She thought she heard Poe’s voice.  She tried to latch onto it, a path to follow home…but just as quickly, it was gone, and so was he.

In Poe’s defense, Leia’s sense of time was seriously compromised in this state, and Poe could have spent anywhere from seconds to hours with her.

Voices came in and out of her limited awareness, but no one she had enough of a connection with to make anything out.  Touch seemed to help anchor her, along with an emotional connection.  She was trying to fight her way back from this…void, whatever it was, but her body was fighting her.  That hadn’t stopped her before, only slowed her down, but she’d been younger then, and not in as critical condition.  At least she thought so.  It was hard to tell.

Darkness surrounded her, though fortunately only the literal kind.  Here, among her people, she felt the Light most strongly.  Good people, fighting for what they knew was right.  There were moments where the Dark Side tried to creep in, preying on their weaknesses, but they never let it.  And that made them stronger than Darkness ever could, in Leia’s opinion – even the majority of her people, who weren’t Force-sensitive.  Perhaps even more so in their cases, because they didn’t get “cool powers,” as Han had once put it.

Han.  Force, she missed him.  She felt for him, but that presence was as empty as it had been since the lightsaber had pierced his body.  Perhaps it was her imagination, but her chest ached more than anything else as she thought of it.  He’d been her anchor before.  The last time she’d been in a coma, he had refused to leave her side.  Now all she had was her memories of him and a mourning braid in her hair.  If her hairstyle had survived the ordeal.  (It was far from the first nonsensical thought she’d had during this experience and it probably wouldn’t be the last.)

Amilyn came and went.  She said a few things, but it could be hard for Leia to follow what Amilyn was talking about sometimes when they were both conscious.  That woman was always full of surprises.  And Amilyn would be in command while Leia was incapacitated, so it made sense for her not to stay long.  At least Leia knew her people would be in good hands. 

C-3PO came briefly.  Leia couldn’t sense him, of course, but his voice was unmistakable.  Worrying over her, as always.

It became increasingly frustrating, this state where her mind had mostly come back online but her body refused to do its part.  The two felt disconnected, because her body still obeyed the laws of the physical world.  She had to reconnect to it somehow, but it felt like air between her fingers.  Leia was grasping at something intangible. 

Han had teased her last time, once she’d recovered, about the last words she’d whispered before losing consciousness.  “Not today.”  Leia had meant it literally – she had realized the date and didn’t want to die on _that exact day_.  It had been Han’s _birthday_ , because fate always seemed to have a lousy sense of timing.  But Han had chuckled once she was healthy and said that was his princess, telling the galaxy that she would kriffing die on her own time – _not today._

_Not today, not today, not today._

Hadn’t that been what she’d said, if not in those exact words, when she’d Force-pulled herself back to the ship?  Not today.

Someday, she would die, but this wasn’t how she went.  And her body wasn’t dying; that wasn’t the problem.  It was just…there.  Uselessly letting the world go by while medical droids attended to her and the Resistance’s problems kept getting worse.

Leia just needed something to ground her, something she could connect to. 

Alarms screamed in her periphery.

 _Go back, my darling_.  Her mother – Breha Organa, the one who had raised her.  Leia was mostly sure she’d imagined it, though in this state, the walls between her and the other side might well have been thinner.

_I’m trying, Mother.  Give me something I can work with._

Voices shouted as they ran by.

And then, there it was.  A presence she’d been denied so long.  The door that had metaphorically been slammed in her face years ago when he’d disconnected from the Force suddenly swung open and he was there.  Her twin, the balance she’d been missing for so long. 

“Luke.”

Suddenly, the pain and the weakness became even more vivid – an unfortunate side effect – but Leia felt her mind and body start to sync up again.  Before much longer, she could open her eyes and feel around for her cane.  She had reoriented herself to a ship in chaos.  Physically, she was still struggling, but Leia drew her strength from the Force.  A lot could be accomplished with a good blaster at one’s side – as Han had been sure to remind her, every chance he got.  Later, she could rest.  Now, she was going to kick the butt of whoever was trying to take her ship.

* * *

 


	2. I'm Still Here

* * *

Leia sighed, sipping at her tea – which had long since gone cold, but there was no point in wasting it – as she looked at the people around her.  The Millennium Falcon was a bit crowded, true, but it was still disheartening to think that the _entire Rebellion_ was on this ship.  It was temporary, true.  They would find a new base and start over.  Recruit others, as they’d done for ages.  But, damn, they’d suffered so many losses.

She reached up to her hair absentmindedly, fingers finding the mourning braid, still in place.  Leia hadn’t allowed herself this luxury when she’d lost her planet, the very place from which the tradition came.  To even weave that braid into her hair would have unlocked all the rage and pain she had to keep locked away to keep moving forward.  She fueled her emotions into the fight against those who’d destroyed Alderaan in the first place. For Han, she’d been allowed the luxury of time to grieve.  But now, just when Leia thought she might take the braid down soon, there were so many others to mourn.  Ackbar.  Amilyn.  Luke.  So many of her people who had given their life for the cause.

In a way, she was mourning Ben, too.  He was alive, yes, but the son she’d known was gone and she finally had to admit it to herself.  There had been a time, even after he’d killed Han, where Leia could attribute his actions to Snoke and convince herself Ben was in there fighting somehow.  But, no, Kylo Ren seemed determined to stay.  (She really did think of them as two separate people, even if they occupied the same body.  It was the only way to keep the monster apart from the precious boy she’d known.)  For a moment, when the First Order had been attacking the ship – before she’d been unceremoniously blasted into space – she had sensed his presence.  Leia had known it would be a long shot, but she tried to send him a message through the Force – _Come home._   She’d felt his resolve weaken, briefly, but then the world had exploded around her.  While she knew he hadn’t taken that shot, the ensuing events had confirmed her hope was misguided.  Rey’s story confirmed as much.  Ben had been given his last, best chance to fight for the Light…and Kylo Ren had doubled down to embrace the dark.  It was heartbreaking, but Leia was no stranger to heartbreak. 

It was harder not to think of her losses here.  This ship was such an integral part of her history.  It was bittersweet, in a lot of ways.  For every memory she could find to take comfort in, there was another that drove a knife through her heart.  But that was the natural order of things, wasn’t it?  Life and death.  Peace and war.  Love and loss.  Balance.

Rey approached her, and from the look on the young woman’s face, Leia supposed she must have been broadcasting her misery through the Force.  She’d have to watch that.  She wasn’t used to being among Force-sensitives anymore, at least none that she was particularly close to.  But she could feel Rey’s grief, uncertainty, and fear in return, and pain shared was pain lessened.  She patted the bench beside her.  “Come, sit.”

Rey smiled gratefully, not hesitating at the offer.  It hadn’t been all that long since they’d met, true, but adversity had a way of making family out of strangers.  “Thank you.  How are you doing?”

Leia could have lied and said she was fine, but it would only have been a waste of time.  She knew it wasn’t a social question.  “I’ve been better.  But I’ll survive.”  That much was true.  Until the Maker saw fit for her time in this galaxy to end, she would keep fighting.  At this point, it was all she knew.  “How are _you_?”

“Oh, I’m—”  At a look from Leia, Rey caught herself and shook her head with a small, weary smile.  “Lost.  Afraid.  But…determined.”

That, Leia could certainly relate to.  She reached out, putting her hand on top of Rey’s.  There was a warm, almost electric sense of connection when they touched.  It was something she’d only felt with Luke and Ben.  It felt _right_.  “You’ll find a lot of that around here.”  She glanced around the room, comfort in seeing the ones that were still there, still fighting, still going about their routine as if they weren’t as terrified of what came next as everybody else.  “They make it look remarkably easy.”

Rey shifted her hand, but only so that she could hold Leia’s.  “So do you.”

Leia chuckled softly, even if there was an air of exhaustion to it.  “I’ve had years of practice.”

Rey watched the activity around them too, her expression thoughtful.  “I know Finn and I are new, obviously.  But the others…have most of them been here a long time?”

“Some longer than others.”  Leia sighed.  It was sad, how few of the original members of the Resistance were left.  She wasn’t the _only_ one, but there weren’t very many of them anymore.  Especially not after the past few days.  “We’ve lost a lot of good people along the way.  Everyone has their own story.  Some came from worlds dominated by the First Order, and saw hope in the Resistance.  Some are the children of the original Resistance fighters.  Some refused to take a side until they had a reason to.”

“Like me,” Rey said quietly.

Leia smiled at Rey, squeezing her hand.  “There’s no shame in taking time to find your path.  Han was the same, actually, the first time around.”

“Really?” Rey’s eyes lit up with interest.

Leia nodded, her smile widening a bit.  “Ask Chewie if you don’t believe me.  Han didn’t sign up to be a hero, but he became one – because he knew which side to pick when it was time.  Like you – and Finn.”  Her heart still ached, but it was nice to be able to talk about things like this – to remember the good.  As much as they’d been suffering the ill effects of history repeating itself, it didn’t always do so in terrible ways.  “You remind me of Han in a lot of ways.  And Luke, of course.”

Rey blushed, unable to hide her smile even as she ducked her head.  “That’s…very flattering, ma’am.”

“Call me Leia.”  Leia ran her thumb idly over Rey’s fingers, enjoying the simple comfort of touch.  “And it’s the truth.  Don’t forget, though – you’re your own person, always.  You’re not _just_ the next Jedi, or whatever someone else wants to make you out to be.  You’re Rey, and that’s what’s most important.”

Rey nodded.  “I’m not always sure who ‘Rey’ is, honestly.”

“You’ll figure it out.”  That, Leia was sure of.  As much as this intimate conversation was best suited for a private space, those present were keeping at a respectful distance.  Whether they knew, somehow, or were simply more occupied with their own thoughts and tasks, Leia wasn’t sure, but she appreciated it.  “I think you’re stronger than you know.  And I fear you’re going to _have_ to be.”

“To face Kylo again, someday.”  It wasn’t a question, coming from Rey, though she seemed to be putting it out there as gently as possible.  People tended to do that with Leia, hedge around the subject as if she weren’t perfectly aware her son was the Supreme Leader of the First Order now.

Leia didn’t want to sugarcoat things, and she was sure Rey would prefer she didn’t anyhow.  “Yes.  I don’t know when, but…someday, you’ll have to.  He’s strong with the Dark, but you’re rising to become his equal in the Light.  It’s wonderful…but also an incredible burden.”  But Rey was no stranger to strife, and Leia trusted she could handle it.

Rey sighed, shaking her head slowly.  “The Force demands balance.  Luke taught me that.  But…he’d barely begun to train me.”

“Luke never completed his ‘official’ training, either,” Leia pointed out.  Offering hope was her specialty, it seemed, even when she was running low on it herself.  “He went back for more, with Master Yoda, but they didn’t have time to finish.  He learned a lot through intuition and further study.  As you’ve been.”

Rey nodded, seeming to take that in.  She was quiet for a long moment before finally saying, “I really thought I could turn him.  Ben, I mean.  I’m sorry I couldn’t.”

Leia’s eyes burned a bit and she blinked quickly before the tears could form.  She released Rey’s hand, reaching up to cup the girl’s cheek instead.  “Don’t apologize.  I know what you mean.  Believe me, I do.  I thought for a long time he could be brought back to the Light, if someone could break Snoke’s influence over him.  But…it’s not meant to be.  At least not now.  Force knows why.  I don’t pretend to understand it, but I have to accept it for what it is.  Snoke turned my Ben’s heart, but Kylo Ren made his own choices.”  _Kriff, it hurt to say that out loud._

Rey reached out, hesitant at first, but seemed to find her confidence as she touched Leia’s cheek in return.  They sat there in silence for a long moment, parallel, but finding understanding.  “Balance.”

“Balance,” Leia echoed.  After a moment, she stood, seeing Poe approaching.  She’d only made it a few steps when everything her body had been through in the past few days caught up with her.  There had been no time to rest, and she hadn’t fully recovered – just enough to do what had to be done.  The world greyed out around her, and soon she was falling.  Poe and Rey rushed to catch her, yelling for medics and easing her to the floor.  For the briefest moment, they weren’t Poe and Rey anymore, but rather _Kes_ Dameron and Amilyn Holdo.  Past and present seemed to blend, the thought of _balance_ echoing through her mind. As Leia finally blacked out, she whispered a name, one she hadn’t been able to speak aloud in decades. 

“Anna.”

* * *

 


	3. Enhanced Recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took a couple days longer than expected. It's been a busy week. FYI, I have read _Empire's End_ , and I'm going to try to keep the backstory that's about to unfold from hugely contradicting it, but it's not my intention to be 100% compliant with that novel. Thanks for the kudos and bookmarks thus far!

* * *

When Leia awoke, she was in her bed.  It almost seemed like a dream at first.  They’d given her the master crew cabin on the Falcon.  Not only did rank have its privileges, but it wasn’t as if anyone who knew the ship’s history didn’t also realize this room had been hers once before.  The furniture hadn’t even changed.  This was the same bed she and Han had shared so many times.  It was poignant, but comforting.

Leia wasn’t alone, either.  Poe and Rey both sat nearby, talking with each other in low tones.  BB-8 near the nightstand, and as Leia stirred, he rolled closer, beeping excitedly to alert Poe.

Poe turned quickly, a smile lighting up his face.  He hurried to Leia’s side, gently easing her back as she tried to sit up.  “Whoa, hey now, boss lady.  I’ve got strict orders from Dr. Kalonia not to let you out of this bed for anything but biological necessities until at least tomorrow morning.”

That was unsurprising.  Leia nodded, sighing as she settled in, getting comfortable.  A few cracks sprang to mind about Poe picking a fine time to start following orders, but she could concede that it was always wise to stay on Kalonia’s good side.  “I suppose I can spare a few hours to rest.”

“You’d better.”  Rey drew closer, a gentle smile on her lips.  “You gave us quite a scare.”

“I’m sorry.”  For someone who’d been raised as royalty, Leia had a hard time letting people fuss over her.

“Don’t sweat it.”  Poe shrugged.  “It’s not like you had much of a chance to relax, what with the First Order trying to blow us to smithereens and all.  But you have it now, so take it.  Kalonia said you’ll be fine, as long as you take it easy for a bit.”  He glanced around the room.  “Sorry for barging in, but we thought you’d be more comfortable here.”

“Good thought,” Leia agreed.  The Falcon’s medical bay was tiny, and currently occupied by those who needed the beds there far more than she did.  Though that reminded her of one of the many things she’d been intending to check up on that day.  “Any word on how our people in the medbay are?”

Poe’s smile was quick, but genuine, and it suggested good news.  “You know I got an update out of the doc.  Torwyn and Nils should be up and about by the end of the week.  And Rose…well, she’s still in rough shape, but she’s stable, so that’s a good sign.  Finn’s been hanging out with her, but--” He was interrupted by a series of shrill chirps from BB-8, and turned to make a face at the little droid.  “Patience, buddy.  I’m getting to that!”  He turned back to Leia, his grin returning instantly.  “Finn made me promise to let him know how you were doing.  Along with many, many other people.  You’re popular around these parts.”  Something seemed to occur to him, because his expression shifted and he reached for his communicator.  “Speaking of which, Connix threatened me _quite creatively_ if I didn’t let her know the minute you were awake.”

As much as Leia hated people worrying over her, it was touching.to hear how much everyone cared.  “You’d better go ahead.  The girl doesn’t make idle threats.”

Poe shook his head.  “No, she does not.”

Leia nodded proudly.  “Trained her myself.”  The look on Poe’s face suggested he had firsthand experience in the matter.  She’d have to get that story out of him – or Connix – someday.  Now, her eyelids were growing heavy and her limbs felt like they were made of lead.  It didn’t matter how many things she had to do; her body had apparently determined that rest was the priority.

When Leia awoke, Rey was sitting beside her.  As Rey turned to look at her, Leia could sense her curiosity, mixed with something else Leia couldn’t quite identify.  “Credit for your thoughts.”

Rey shrugged a little.  “Nothing much, really.  I was just thinking of my family.”

“That sounds like a bit more than ‘nothing,’” Leia pointed out.

Rey tilted her head slightly, admitting the point.  “I suppose so.”  She appeared lost in thought for a moment before continuing.  “That was the one thing Kylo was right about.  I think I always knew my parents were no one of note.  That they weren’t coming back.  I just couldn’t admit it to myself.”  Her lips curled into a tiny smile.  “I used to make up stories to myself of who they were.  Resistance pilots who had to hide me to be sure I was safe.  Royalty on some planet somewhere.  I suppose I was reaching with that one.”

Leia couldn’t help but laugh at that.  “I had the opposite fantasy, when I was a child.  When I would get frustrated with my duties or the restrictions put upon me, I used to pretend my birth parents were peasant farmers somewhere.”  She snorted.  “Had a bit of a rude awakening when I learned the truth behind that one.”

Rey laughed as well.  “That’s right – your mother was a queen, wasn’t she?”

“Both of them,” Leia confirmed.  _And both gone far before their time._   “My father did come from nothing, though.  Originally.  And my brother.”  She felt a bit guilty about that from time to time, that she’d been raised in luxury while Luke had Tatooine, but at least they’d both known love from their adoptive families.  She hoped Rey would find that as well in her new Resistance family, even if it came far later in her life than it should have.

Rey looked amused.  “Is that a requirement for Jedi?”

Leia chuckled.  “I suppose it doesn’t hurt.”

Rey’s eyes focused intently on Leia for a moment.  She frowned thoughtfully.  “You could have been a Jedi.”  It wasn’t a question; she seemed quite sure of it.

“Possibly.”  Force knew Luke had begged to train her often enough, before everything went so terribly wrong with Ben.  “It wasn’t the path I wanted, though.  I wanted to be a senator, to keep the New Republic strong.”  And she’d certainly tried, only to watch it all come crumbling down as the First Order dawned and people – particularly some in the Senate – began to repeat the same mistakes they’d made the first time around.  Oh, and many of them had been happy to make a pariah of Leia after learning Darth Vader was her biological father, but the First Order had become the new Empire all the same.  She was still a little bitter about it, if she was honest, but given Ben’s fall not all that long after, Leia was sure her political enemies were patting themselves on the back for their foresight instead of ruing their mistakes.  Those of them that were still alive.

“You did the best you could,” Rey assured her.  “You give a lot of people hope and purpose.”

“Thank you.”  Leia kept telling herself that on the particularly hard days.  Sometimes it helped more than others.

Rey frowned, biting her lower lip briefly.  “Do you mind if I ask you something?  If it’s too personal, you don’t have to answer.”

Leia hadn’t been expecting that, but she trusted Rey not to pry just for the sake of it – and she was curious as to what Rey wanted to know.  “Go ahead.”

“Earlier, when you collapsed...you said a name.  No one I know here.”  Rey paused, obviously trying to proceed with caution.  “Who’s Anna?”

Leia took a sharp breath.  She vaguely recalled that, but she hadn’t realized anyone heard.

“I’m sorry.”  Rey shook her head quickly.  “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, it’s all right.”  Leia reached out to pat Rey’s hand.  “It’s hard to think about, is all.”  Some of her people knew this story, but mostly just the ones who were around when it happened.  “Anna was my daughter – Ben’s twin.  She died before she was born.”

Whatever answer Rey had been expecting, that clearly wasn’t it.  Her eyes widened, sympathy flooding her features.  “Oh, my.  I’m so sorry.”

Leia squeezed Rey’s hand, attempting to soothe herself as much as Rey.  “A part of me always wondered if everything that happened…as unbalanced as he became…was because he didn’t have her.”  She certainly understood the bond twins shared, even if they hadn’t been raised together.  And as peaceful as Luke’s passing had been, she knew the hole in her heart she felt not having him there – knowing he was gone instead of hiding away somewhere.  Leia’s mother had once told her that, as an infant, there had been nights she screamed for hours, accepting no comfort from anyone.  Ben had done the same sometimes.  Even their Force bond hadn’t been able to calm him, those nights.  Was that simply something babies did, or had they been missing their other half?  Leia had never been sure.  “I suppose I’ll never really know.”

Rey took Leia’s hand between both of hers.  “You don’t have to talk about it if it’s too painful.  But if you’d like to…I’m here to listen.”

When was the last time she’d talked about Anna?  Not since Ben had been younger and they’d told him about his sister.  Even then, it had been brief and he hadn’t been interested in many details.  The last time Leia _really_ talked about her daughter had probably been shortly after Ben was born – she and Han, in harmony for once, sharing their grief and trying to find some answers.  There hadn’t been any satisfying ones.

It took Leia a long moment to make her decision, but she finally nodded, offering Rey a shaky smile.  “That would be nice, actually.”

* * *

 


End file.
